Public Drunkenness?

OK, so it's been ages since I updated you all on the wiley workings of the Criminals. They've been mostly well behaved. Mostly.

But then, we started obedience class with Piper.

This is a scenario where you would think that her behavior would get better then before. There, you would be wrong.

When she's in class, she is a total mess. We are the class idiots. She has been dubbed (granted, we did this, but it's appropriate) Hyper Piper. She spends the entire 90 minutes of class whining, moaning, lunging, pulling, looking anywhere but where she's supposed to, frothing at the mouth and just in general being a well formed definition of "what not to let your dog do".

Blessedly, our trainer is VERY understanding- having some terrier mixes of her own- and allows us to work with Piper at our own rate a lot of the time. Piper will get all the commands eventually, we just have to do it in a different way sometimes. When we practice at home, she's doing great- really strong command of the different behaviors we're enforcing. In class- a complete and total disaster.

The source of all the frenzy is she really wants to get to and play with all the other dogs in class. In particular the barely 5 lbs chihuahua. This poor teeny tiny dog, who is maybe 1/7 Piper's size, has become an object of obsession, because we simply will not let Piper get to her. It's just too dangerous. She's practically a Smurf, and Piper is like a wooly mammoth in comparison.

One thing to note before I go any further- we discovered, and swear by, the Gentle Leader snout harness for Piper. I get no endorsement money for saying this- but it has seriously changed our lives when it comes to walking our Disaster dog. If you have a dog that is a tugger or lunger on the leash- GET ONE! The element of control you have with it is just an entirely different world.

If you don't know what this is, a brief description is - it's similar to a horses halter- it goes around their snout and behind their head, and is connected to the leash under their mouth- so if they pull, their head turns to the side, as your arm maintains positioning. I hope that makes sense.... basically their face becomes a pivot point they have to learn to work around, instead of just pulling you down the road with their neck/shoulders.

OK, so with that established, Piper wears this gentle leader during class, which makes it easier to manage her totally un-managable lunging, bucking, and jumping at the other dogs. Within the first 45 minutes of class on the first day, she had discovered that there was a secondary benefit to this.

The Spin.

So, here's what happened- After staring at one of the dogs in class intently for about 5 minutes (with us trying to get her to stop the entire time) She lunged. Full force, full body "if I do this hard enough I can achieve anything" determination lunge. Her face, being attached to my very firm grip via her harness, became a pivot point for this lunge. Her body, having been thrown in the air with the force of her lunge, had no where to go but around her unmoving head. She had spun herself, mid air, in a 360 degree circle. Like a bizarrely drunk superhero, she took off and landed in the same spot, but she flew nonetheless.

There was a pause where she realized what had just happened, and the desired affect of now being further away from us had not been accomplished. Then she realized- WHEEEEEE!! that's fun!!!!

At this point she achieves The Spin at least once every 10-15 minutes during class, usually more then once at a time. She'll do 3-4 Spins in a row, with barely any time in between. She only does it in class, and only when we think she's calmed down. I'm not sure how she knows that last part, but she sure does seem to. If it weren't totally humiliating, it would be a pretty cool trick. I mean, how many 40lb dogs can fly? Not many, I would wager.

The Teeny tiny chihuahua is the most regular recipient of The Spin. She seems to think it's funny and bounces around whenever it happens. Damnit Tiny dog- don't encourage this!! I swear the 2 of them have talked when we weren't looking and conspired to entertain themselves with this.

So, fret not, we're clearly not out of the criminal woods yet with these misfits. There's more to come, I'm sure of it.

Crime Spree Lull

There haven't been many updates here recently, but its mainly because everyone has been behaving themselves. Which is weird and makes me very suspicious.

I mean, don't get me wrong, we've had repeated issues with things being stolen out of cabinets and off of counters- not to mention the day I found Odie shredding a shoe box for no particular reason. All told though, we've been light on excitement (and crimes) recently. Despite moments of wondering why I ever brought these insane creatures into my home, in general they've been behaving reasonably well.

I'm not used to this.... relative calm. It makes me edgy. I'm just waiting for the next thing to happen where I want to set them free. It'll come around eventually, I'm sure, it always does, but for now we seem to be in a lull of sorts.

This has given me the opportunity to take a moment and look at this motley crew of a family we have going for us right now. Talk about a mis-mash of shapes and sizes! It's really quite the funny family portrait. What does strike me though- it has become a family. We are all bonding with each other and getting used to each other and realizing that this grouping of creatures is now a unit. It takes a long time for new dogs to really feel like they belong in your house. I think people tend to underestimate how long it really takes. At least I did.

When we lost Toby last year I thought it would be ages until I was ready for another dog. While I will never claim that I was ready when Odie showed up- I was far from ready for him or all the chaos he brought with him. I can say that now, a year later, with 2 new dogs in the house, I'm ok with it. I realize that neither one of the new kids have stolen Toby's place in my heart, and no matter how long I live, and how many dogs come and go over that time, each one will be different, and mean something individual to me. Toby was my first real dog that was just mine (the dog I grew up with was clearly my mothers dog, despite any labeling we put on him about being mine. And that is just fine, that is how it was meant to be) and we taught each other a lot. Although he was part of a 3 person family, I spent so much time with him alone over the years, that I felt like I knew him on an individual level- as I'm sure my husband does too. I will never have another dog like him, despite all my desires.

I started with a Professor of life (as we called Toby) and now I have a Clown and a Worshipper. Each one has their quirks and strengths. Each one brings something new to the family tableau. Each one has taught me more about these strange animals that we've domesticated and brought into the home. Without these new criminals in my house, I wouldn't know certain behaviors or transitions were common. Odie taught me just HOW dramatic a change can be when you get a dog fixed- and how great that is. Piper taught me to never fully trust the dog you meet in the shelter to have exactly the same personality when you break them out. They've both taught me about having multiple dogs and the pluses and minuses that come along with their collective, collusive craziness. I know more about the spectrum of dogs, and their personalities. I know more about just how friggin creative they can be about getting into trouble, and how fast it can happen. I just know more.

I appreciate what life threw at me, even when I wasn't ready for it. Then again, when does life ever throw you something the moment you're ready? Never. That never happens. It was a hard transition for me, and the dogs suffered through it just as much as I did. I know the first few weeks in the house the dogs were as unsettled as I was, because none of us were very certain of the other. Somehow we all muddled through, and at this point it seems we've made it out the other side.

As I said, I'm sure more calamities will ensue, more crimes will be committed, more punishments doled out, and more adult beverages partaken in. Right now, there's just enough of a respite for me to be able to say all these nice things about the criminals. Speaking of which- if you tell them I said this stuff, I will send them to your house to deal with- so choose wisely.

Repeat Offenders

I don't know how actual law enforcement does it. TV must mirror real life in some ways, and I'm fairly certain repeat offenders would be one of those ways. I mean, there must be people out there who live such a criminal life that when bad things happen, cops automatically jump to it being that person as the perpetrator. It makes sense that those people would exist in most communities.

I have one in my house. Possibly 2. But one for sure.

As always, the crime was committed while I was asleep (would sleeping less solve these problems? Possibly, but it would mean a lot more time in solitary due to warden being cranky as hell) and was discovered upon my opening the bedroom door.

I hadn't even taken a step across the threshold yet- I looked down, blurry eyed, to establish where Piper was so I wouldn't step on her, and there it was:

A chewed up full tube of toothpaste, cap gone, small amount of contents squished out onto carpet through a puncture hole midway down the tube.

My half awake brain couldn't even process this, and I picked it up, showed it to her, and asked "what is this? why is this?" As if she was gonna have an answer that made sense and DIDN'T get her into trouble.

Having no idea how long it had been there (no more then 20 minutes, no less then 5) and whether or not she would still be able to process a punishment, I threw away the tube and used the bathroom as I normally would, having skipped her normal morning affection. That was my way of punishing her. I come out to see if any other hijinks had occurred during my last few moments of peace and almost missed crime scene #2:

In the middle of the living room carpet- the SECOND tube of toothpaste, chewed up, burst open and slimed around a little. Next to it- the cap from the first tube.

My detective skills lead me to this conclusion of events-

Piper had stood up on the counter and taken the first toothpaste tube down, and walked it to the living room. Odie, seeing opportunity, had jumped in and tried his hand at it. Piper, her prize now taken, went back and grabbed a second one for herself.

They both chewed away until they got a taste and realized it wasn't all that great and kind of left it.

It's a good thing not much was eaten, as Fluoride can be very dangerous in larger doses. The plus side is everyone had very fresh breath this morning. Minty even. We're also very lucky she only went for the toothpaste as there were medicines, and an Icy/Hot tube right next to where the toothpaste had been. Any of that stuff could have been expensive at the least, and fatal at the worst.

I cleaned up the mess, washed the carpets, and ignored everyone. No one was given any affection at all for the entire morning. The crime was reported with the defense lawyer (my husband, 'His Boy') who apologized for his clients behavior, and stated concern for their safety. The events were logged, and the only punishment available was delivered.

I'm just warn out from trying to stay one step ahead, because it never seems to be effective. Apparently two terrier mixes actually ARE smarter then 1 human. That is just depressing.

Anyone out there know a good, affordable parole officer... I mean, obedience trainer?

Stolen Goods/ Ingestion of Illegal Substances

Let me take you back to the moment of the first offense:

A couple of weeks ago, as I dozed in the bedroom, and the dogs roamed free in the living room (there's a 20 min overlap of time before I come out where they are allowed free reign of the main area of the house every morning) I suddenly heard a strange noise.

A crackling/popping sound.

It wasn't something I could explain away, so I bolted out of bed and threw open the door.

What to my wondering eyes did appear? But a couple of dogs and a doritos bag just near.

Apparently, SOMEONE (ahem PIPER ahem) had broken into the pantry and liberated a single serving size doritos bag, and they had both taken turns trying to give the individual chips freedom from their cruel enclosure. Oddly, the bag held, and no one got any chips that day. The canines did get a stern talking to, issued a warning, and the pantry doors were shut very firmly.

I had thought lessons were learned all the way around.

When will reality sink in, and I realize lessons are NEVER learned in my house?

Second offense, 4 days ago:

Again, as I dozed for my few minutes of slowly waking up time that I dearly value every day, some hijinks were going on just on the other side of the door. I came out, and there were no dogs waiting for me, as there usually are, which was odd. Then, when they came running over, I noticed something odd on the floor in the corner by the living room. A wrapper?

"What the hell is that?" I pose to the criminals- the small one takes off, the big one hits the floor- a sure indicator something really wrong is going on. I take a few steps forward, get a better look at the main area, and suddenly cartoon style steam is coming out of my ears.

"WHAT THE F--K is this!!!!????"

The living room floor is littered with wrappers of many food items stolen from the (when I glance over and see the kitchen) WIDE OPEN pantry doors. I scream, I throw dogs in crates, I notice.....

it

is

all

CHOCOLATE

All of it, everything that they stole, had some form of chocolate in it. It was quite a few protein bar type things- all had chocolate in it- and a bag of Hershey's kisses. All had been fairly demolished. All wrappers had been shredded, and most likely ingested, as well. it had to have taken several trips from kitchen to living room to get it all there. Premeditation.

Now, in case anyone doesn't know- chocolate contains a chemical ingredient which is toxic to dogs. If your dog gets a hold of a singular chocolate chip- eh, not a big deal, might get sick, might not. Your dog eats an entire chocolate cake on it's own- could be fatal. Our ingestion level was certainly on the smaller end of things, but considering I couldn't tell precise amounts and who had eaten what, I called the vet immediately.

Well, ok, I waited a little while to clean up and call the husband who has had more dogs then me, and look up info online, but basically within 25 minutes I was on with the lovely lady at the vets office. We set up a date to bring the monsters in the moment they opened their doors.

While this was going on, I had Piper doing a small child style sugar high freak out which included tail chasing, charging me and trying to jump in my lap, running around, and barking at herself. Odie on the other hand was just lounging on the couch as if nothing had happened. I was unclear as to which was more disturbing.

I got them to the vet, and we decided they would stay there for the day and get to endure induced vomiting, charcoal feeds, and some long hours of making a mess. According to the Dr- evidence proved they were both guilty parties, and had earned this 'punishment' for their crimes. A full work day, and several hundred dollars later, everyone had a clean system and a nice medication hangover. They were sentenced to time served after that.

I'm not really sure if what some people have said upon hearing this story is true- that the dogs will know now not to do something like that. I honestly these are career criminals- they might slow down for a while, but given the right chance at the right time, they'd do it again in a heartbeat. Vomiting be damned, they sure seemed to be having fun.

Destruction of Property

OK, I'm warning you know, this is gross. Like- full on bodily function nasty. There is no getting around it. Some crimes are just disgusting - only adding to the severity of the crime, and making judgment all the easier. This is one of those times. If you are weak of stomach, or imagine things a little too well - you might just want to skip to the bottom.

Still here?

Right, good, 'cause this story is EPIC.

Really gross, but epic.

Last week, it was just me & the criminals for a few days as His Boy was out of town on a family trip. I was also nursing the tail end of a sprained ankle injury- walking mostly freely, but still using a brace situation and slightly limping. I had, on this particular day, been at work for almost 11 hrs (unwillingly, mind you), and had rushed home to let the dogs out of their crates, knowing that I'd been gone too long, and they were bound to be antsy. I give you this background so when the mental images start to form, you'll be able to factor in everything that was going on. Alone, gimpy, tired, hungry, stressed, and anxious- and that's just MY situation.

One last piece of set up info- the night before, Piper had woken me in the wee hours to be let out- something she hasn't done since her first night with us. I let her out, and she stayed out for about 10 minutes, so clearly she wasn't waking me for the fun of it- something had been bothering her. When she came back in, I put her back in her in her crate for the night and went back to bed.

Or so I thought. Apparently I hadn't latched the crate properly in my half asleep stupor, and she sneaked her way to the bedroom in the dark, scaring the hell outta me, and keeping me awake for at least an hour. Not her fault, but still disrupted a sleep cycle I was going to need that day.... unbeknownst to both of us.

So, ok, enough with the set up to this situation- let's get back to the story. I was home after a long, tiring day, with dinner on my mind, and some very anxious Pooches in their crates. I open the front door, hearing some "yay she's back" noises from both pups. Then it hit me- a smell the likes of which I'd only encountered a few times in my life.

Shit. In my house.

My eye first hits Odie- who had gotten sick in the crate a few weeks back- but he looked all clean and good to go. So, I pan over to Piper. She is not at all clean or good to go.

Her butt had exploded. A big John Woo style explosion.

There was crap all over her crate (the wire, open kind, not the enclosed plastic kind), completely covering her pillow, on the wall behind the crate, on the blanket that was draped over her crate, on the floor in front of her crate, and most noticeably totally covering her lower half and some of her face. Poor thing had clearly been in her crate this way for awhile, and had ended up lying down in it for lack of anything else to do.

I have literally never seen so much crap in one place in my life. Mainly because I've never had a dog that was this big, and therefore capable of generating that much. All I could think was "poor girl!" quickly followed by "oh god, she's COVERED in it- how do I get her out without getting it all over everything we own?"

Needless to say- the hunger issue I was having cleared right up.

So, after staring at her for a good couple of minutes and letting Odie out to end his torture, I did some fancy footwork, and specific grabbing, and got my poor crusty Piper out the door of the house to shake it off outside. Then the cleaning had to begin- the crate was also dragged outside- a trick considering the other side of the doorway housed a crusty pup who wanted back in. After a lot of maneuvering, some yelling, and acceptance of the fact that I was gonna get some on me, the crate was outside with the dog.

The floor washing and wall cleaning then commenced. This took a lot longer then I had figured it would, as every time I thought I was done, I'd find more to do. Seriously- I have no idea how she had housed this much excrement in her reasonably sized body.

Pillow, towels, blankets, and some of my clothes got put directly into the washing machine for the first of several cycles. Then I went out and tried to get the worst of the dried nasty off the dog- who was not interested in that procedure at all. I finally had to grab her, pick her up and carry her (so that she didn't touch anything that couldn't be cleaned up) into the bathtub. She then got washed in the least efficient bath in the history of dog baths. I was outside the tub, leaning in, trying not to put pressure on my bad foot, trying to grab her, splashing her with water, spraying her with shampoo and using my hands to just rub, scrub, deflake all the dried up crap on her.

Let's just say, we were both soaked and pissed by the end of that eternal 20 minutes.

She then got put in the back yard with her very anxious Odie-brother, and I headed out front to hose off the crate, and try to get it clean. At this point it was full dark out and I'm working with a motion light on the patio. I was gonna do the best I could and see how far I got. After about 30 minutes I got all of it, thanks to some more towels and yet another round of acceptance that I was gonna come in contact with dog diarrhea.

An hour and half, 2 runs of laundry, a stained and destroyed extension cord, a half bottle of bleach, a lot of clorox wipes, many gallons of water, a shower, and an adult beverage (large) later I was sitting on the couch. Piper was exhausted but acting completely normal. Clearly whatever it was had successfully worked its way out of her system by the end of the explosions. She seemed content to just be sitting in the house again, without being in the tub. Odie found the entire experience amusing, as he was just locked in the backyard with his sister for a long time.

I was less amused, and exhausted, and finally able to make dinner at 9:45 pm. I couldn't be too mad at the Criminal Piper, as her crimes were not in the least bit premeditated. Although, still crimes, as I will never be able to look at that section of the house the same way again.