Destruction of Property

OK, I'm warning you know, this is gross. Like- full on bodily function nasty. There is no getting around it. Some crimes are just disgusting - only adding to the severity of the crime, and making judgment all the easier. This is one of those times. If you are weak of stomach, or imagine things a little too well - you might just want to skip to the bottom.

Still here?

Right, good, 'cause this story is EPIC.

Really gross, but epic.

Last week, it was just me & the criminals for a few days as His Boy was out of town on a family trip. I was also nursing the tail end of a sprained ankle injury- walking mostly freely, but still using a brace situation and slightly limping. I had, on this particular day, been at work for almost 11 hrs (unwillingly, mind you), and had rushed home to let the dogs out of their crates, knowing that I'd been gone too long, and they were bound to be antsy. I give you this background so when the mental images start to form, you'll be able to factor in everything that was going on. Alone, gimpy, tired, hungry, stressed, and anxious- and that's just MY situation.

One last piece of set up info- the night before, Piper had woken me in the wee hours to be let out- something she hasn't done since her first night with us. I let her out, and she stayed out for about 10 minutes, so clearly she wasn't waking me for the fun of it- something had been bothering her. When she came back in, I put her back in her in her crate for the night and went back to bed.

Or so I thought. Apparently I hadn't latched the crate properly in my half asleep stupor, and she sneaked her way to the bedroom in the dark, scaring the hell outta me, and keeping me awake for at least an hour. Not her fault, but still disrupted a sleep cycle I was going to need that day.... unbeknownst to both of us.

So, ok, enough with the set up to this situation- let's get back to the story. I was home after a long, tiring day, with dinner on my mind, and some very anxious Pooches in their crates. I open the front door, hearing some "yay she's back" noises from both pups. Then it hit me- a smell the likes of which I'd only encountered a few times in my life.

Shit. In my house.

My eye first hits Odie- who had gotten sick in the crate a few weeks back- but he looked all clean and good to go. So, I pan over to Piper. She is not at all clean or good to go.

Her butt had exploded. A big John Woo style explosion.

There was crap all over her crate (the wire, open kind, not the enclosed plastic kind), completely covering her pillow, on the wall behind the crate, on the blanket that was draped over her crate, on the floor in front of her crate, and most noticeably totally covering her lower half and some of her face. Poor thing had clearly been in her crate this way for awhile, and had ended up lying down in it for lack of anything else to do.

I have literally never seen so much crap in one place in my life. Mainly because I've never had a dog that was this big, and therefore capable of generating that much. All I could think was "poor girl!" quickly followed by "oh god, she's COVERED in it- how do I get her out without getting it all over everything we own?"

Needless to say- the hunger issue I was having cleared right up.

So, after staring at her for a good couple of minutes and letting Odie out to end his torture, I did some fancy footwork, and specific grabbing, and got my poor crusty Piper out the door of the house to shake it off outside. Then the cleaning had to begin- the crate was also dragged outside- a trick considering the other side of the doorway housed a crusty pup who wanted back in. After a lot of maneuvering, some yelling, and acceptance of the fact that I was gonna get some on me, the crate was outside with the dog.

The floor washing and wall cleaning then commenced. This took a lot longer then I had figured it would, as every time I thought I was done, I'd find more to do. Seriously- I have no idea how she had housed this much excrement in her reasonably sized body.

Pillow, towels, blankets, and some of my clothes got put directly into the washing machine for the first of several cycles. Then I went out and tried to get the worst of the dried nasty off the dog- who was not interested in that procedure at all. I finally had to grab her, pick her up and carry her (so that she didn't touch anything that couldn't be cleaned up) into the bathtub. She then got washed in the least efficient bath in the history of dog baths. I was outside the tub, leaning in, trying not to put pressure on my bad foot, trying to grab her, splashing her with water, spraying her with shampoo and using my hands to just rub, scrub, deflake all the dried up crap on her.

Let's just say, we were both soaked and pissed by the end of that eternal 20 minutes.

She then got put in the back yard with her very anxious Odie-brother, and I headed out front to hose off the crate, and try to get it clean. At this point it was full dark out and I'm working with a motion light on the patio. I was gonna do the best I could and see how far I got. After about 30 minutes I got all of it, thanks to some more towels and yet another round of acceptance that I was gonna come in contact with dog diarrhea.

An hour and half, 2 runs of laundry, a stained and destroyed extension cord, a half bottle of bleach, a lot of clorox wipes, many gallons of water, a shower, and an adult beverage (large) later I was sitting on the couch. Piper was exhausted but acting completely normal. Clearly whatever it was had successfully worked its way out of her system by the end of the explosions. She seemed content to just be sitting in the house again, without being in the tub. Odie found the entire experience amusing, as he was just locked in the backyard with his sister for a long time.

I was less amused, and exhausted, and finally able to make dinner at 9:45 pm. I couldn't be too mad at the Criminal Piper, as her crimes were not in the least bit premeditated. Although, still crimes, as I will never be able to look at that section of the house the same way again.

Gangs

There are 2 dogs in the house, and 3 gangs that have worked their way into reality. There's the Dogs vs Humans territory battle, and the Small vs Big dog power struggle.

So far, I think the humans are losing their struggle. At the moment, the dogs clearly have run of the house. The Dogs, presented as a single unit, have the Leader and the Enforcer. Odie serves as Leader, Piper is the Enforcer. Odie is the one who comes up with grand schemes that result in things like rugs being pulled into different rooms then they were originally placed in. Piper is the one who then sits on it and looks at you like "what? this was here the entire time!" and then jumps up and punches you in the gut. This is how many shoes, a couple of bags, and a heating pad have all ended up in places that I just can not figure out how they got there, until I see teeth marks in them.

We, as humans, only keep in the fight with our thumbs, and our continual enforcement of dogs being in crates when we leave the house. If it weren't for that, I swear we'd both be spending our days finding birds to be chased, and cooking meats for our canine rulers. As it is, every day is a bit of a struggle. Odie is smart, and uses his Cute powers to get us to let our guards down. Next thing we know there's some sort of chaos happening. Piper is a good physical distracter- she's every where all the time, blocking the view of something untoward happening until it's too late.

Whats even more interesting though, if when the attention gets diverted from the interspecies struggle. When the dogs turn on each other- THAT'S when it gets good.

Odie is a bully. A 13 lb bully.

I never in a million years would have figured that.

Piper is a big solid lump of mass who won't move unless she really wants to- then, watch out. She will barrel thru just about any obstacle as if its not even there. If if the obstacle is another living creature.

She is a pushover.

Who is ruled by a bully.

Watching the 2 of them interact is kind of like watching a circus. Or an action film. Depending on the day.

Inevitably, Piper is sitting quietly, chewing on her feet, or just staring into space, or watching one of us do something. Suddenly- POW- a tiny ball of thunder has struck her, and is now chewing on some part of her. This is her training. She must decide what to do- Does she retaliate, or endure? It can go both ways, but either way, her leader has shown her yet again to always be on the alert, ready for action, because you never know where the attack is going to come from.

If she retaliates, the war has begun- the power struggle continues, and a LOT of faux growling, and body flipping will ensue. This battle royale can go from 2 minutes to 20, depending on how energetic the fighters, and if the humans are impressed by their fighting prowess. Because what is the point of fighting and gaining power, if no one sees you do it?

If she endures, then she must sit there, and take the attacks, which will not stop until she is provoked into some form of action. The Ghandi approach is to get up and walk away- a very effective method as she is twice the size of her attacker. The Big Dummy approach is to just sit there and get chewed on with the occasional mouthing in return. This is less wise because it prolongs the experience.

One way or the other, The Leader is re-establishing that he has the power to attack, and all she can do is react. It's true gang warfare in our living room. Or the backyard. Or the front patio. Or where ever we happen to have gone. So far, Odie continually wins these battles, as he is more determined to do so. I wait for the day when Piper gets fed up and finally wins. That'll be interesting, to be sure.

But I can't let my guard down, because the moment I do, they will once again join forces and do something like pull my shoe into the kitchen for no apparent reason. Then the balance of warfare will have shifted back to Dogs vs Humans, and I absolutely refuse to lose that one.

Mainly.

I mean, to a point I don't really care.

After all, I have thumbs, and all the food.