Hijacking

I have lost command of my legs. The dog now has control. He has hijacked my lap.

It's weird, but true.

See, the dog LOVES being in someone's lap. Yes, indeed making him a lap dog. Not something I ever thought I would have. I mean, it's one thing to seek the affection of being in a lap, and then moving on, but this is beyond a desire for him. It has become an obsession.

Anytime I am on the couch, the dog is on my lap to some degree or another. Usually under a blanket. If there is a blanket available and it is not covering his face, he will burrow under until it is. But some part of him will always be on my lap.

Every now and again I will shove him off on His Boy "take your dog please, I can't feel my foot", but at some point or another he weasels his way back over. Now, let's say I need to get up for some reason, to get a drink, to pee, to do anything else..... the dog will stay in my lap until the very last second. I have dropped him on the floor on numerous occasions as a result.

That is dedication.

As cute as this all sounds, and admittedly there is a degree of charm to this, it can also be really annoying. My range of motion is restricted constantly, portions of my legs fall asleep on a fairly regular basis, getting comfortable is amended by working around where the dog will end up, and if he will stay there. This is far from the traditional "its been a long day, I'm gonna get comfy on the couch for little while and just relax" state of affairs I'm used to. The moment I go to sit on the couch, a little firecracker has jumped up, and is at the ready for The Lap to become available for him.

what I wouldn't give for just a few moments of getting into position on my own first. Without tangling with a tiny, yet very determined, creature. One would say- 'He's so small, just move him!" which makes sense, but does not work, I've tried. I'll move him and before I'm even done with recoiling my arm back, he's already put himself back where he wanted to be. I told you he was determined.

So, as it stands, I have completely been Lap Hijacked. Someone else has taken control, unauthorized, and I am just along for the ride at this point.

Breaking and Entering

With a new dog, there is a period of time with a lot of boundaries in the house- this time allows for everyone to get to know and trust each other to varying degrees. For the humans it allows for time to learn if the dog will destroy certain things, or urinate on stuff, which helps determine how long the boundaries survive. For the dog its time to learn who is setting the rules in the house, and therefore where they fall in the new pack, which helps determine if they can relax in their new environment.

We had set up boundaries that included not being allowed in certain rooms- most notably the bedroom. The last thing I wanted was the new dog peeing all over where the old dog had spent a lot of his time, or on my things, which would cause me to totally lose my mind. So, no bedroom. Ever. Not even if you're being cute about it.

Which he tried.

Time and again.

If the bedroom door wasn't 100% closed and latched (which is harder then you'd think, given we have 50 yr old door handles) then a little nose would poke in, followed quite briskly by a wriggling body who was convinced all your shouting was for nothing. This happened to me several mornings- since my husband leaves for work first, and I sleep for a bit longer. I would scream and gesture wildly, even get out of bed- Odie just lowered himself down and low-crawled as close to me as he could. One particularly bold morning, he jumped on the bed before I heard him and scared the crap outta me. My husband heard my terrified shout (you try not screaming when you're dead asleep and a living thing lands on your legs with no warning) and came running only to find a wiggling mass trying to lick my face and me desperately trying to shove this mass off of me so I could see what it was.

Needlesstosay- he thought this was hilarious.

I did not.

At the time. In hindsight, I gotta give the little guy credit for tenacity.

The bedroom remains off limits though. I'm no fool.

but neither is the dog.

He has made it his mission in life to find opportunities to sneak into the bedroom and catch a nap on the big squishy bed he's not allowed on. His favorite time to do this is while I'm in the shower getting ready for work.

After weeks of the dog not even trying to get into the bedroom (after earlier weeks of failed attempts) I had grown a bit lax about making sure the door was closed and latched. It was never a problem. Until one day.

I opened the bathroom door and heard a thud and then some scrambling, I leaned out and saw a tail tip round the corner. Dammit! He'd made it in! I checked the bed, and sure enough- warm spot on the pillow. I yelled and realized there was nothing I could do since he'd already corrected himself, so I went back in the bathroom to complete the work prep rituals. Including drying my hair- making all sound outside the room impossble to hear.

When that was done I headed for the bedroom again, noticed the door was much more open then it had been and BOOM- caught in the act. A very small dog, laying on the bed like it was his to claim. Instead of jumping up and running away, knowing he'd been caught and was guilty, The brat just sunk further into the covers and rolled over showing me his partial belly. he was essentially saying "I know you get to be the boss, and I did something wrong, but take pity on a tiny dog". i took enough time to snap a picture on my phone (evidence) and then shooed him off the bed and spoke sternly about how this was not an option.

The picture was sent to the man behind it all "look what YOUR dog did!", building my case for this dog needing some obedience training. The reply to that officially was one of 'couragous, but stupid'. I'm sure the unofficial one was a howling laugh and then a realization of how mad I probably was and why.

Since that morning, The dog has established a cycle- he'll go a few weeks without so much as an inkling that he'd ever possibly consider going into the bedroom without permission, then one day, BAM- fuzzy butt on my sheets. He's smart enough to lull you into thinking he's learned his lesson, but stupid enough that about half the time he breaks into the room, there's someone in there, leaving to goal of the break-in unaccomplished- no bed time.

I have to admit the dog is a prize winning sleeper and would probably be a decent sharer of bed space, but I just don't have any desire for that. So, he will have to satisfy himself with the occasional momentary break in, and inevitable punishment that comes with it. Serial offender with this crime, I can tell.