Repeat Offenders

I don't know how actual law enforcement does it. TV must mirror real life in some ways, and I'm fairly certain repeat offenders would be one of those ways. I mean, there must be people out there who live such a criminal life that when bad things happen, cops automatically jump to it being that person as the perpetrator. It makes sense that those people would exist in most communities.

I have one in my house. Possibly 2. But one for sure.

As always, the crime was committed while I was asleep (would sleeping less solve these problems? Possibly, but it would mean a lot more time in solitary due to warden being cranky as hell) and was discovered upon my opening the bedroom door.

I hadn't even taken a step across the threshold yet- I looked down, blurry eyed, to establish where Piper was so I wouldn't step on her, and there it was:

A chewed up full tube of toothpaste, cap gone, small amount of contents squished out onto carpet through a puncture hole midway down the tube.

My half awake brain couldn't even process this, and I picked it up, showed it to her, and asked "what is this? why is this?" As if she was gonna have an answer that made sense and DIDN'T get her into trouble.

Having no idea how long it had been there (no more then 20 minutes, no less then 5) and whether or not she would still be able to process a punishment, I threw away the tube and used the bathroom as I normally would, having skipped her normal morning affection. That was my way of punishing her. I come out to see if any other hijinks had occurred during my last few moments of peace and almost missed crime scene #2:

In the middle of the living room carpet- the SECOND tube of toothpaste, chewed up, burst open and slimed around a little. Next to it- the cap from the first tube.

My detective skills lead me to this conclusion of events-

Piper had stood up on the counter and taken the first toothpaste tube down, and walked it to the living room. Odie, seeing opportunity, had jumped in and tried his hand at it. Piper, her prize now taken, went back and grabbed a second one for herself.

They both chewed away until they got a taste and realized it wasn't all that great and kind of left it.

It's a good thing not much was eaten, as Fluoride can be very dangerous in larger doses. The plus side is everyone had very fresh breath this morning. Minty even. We're also very lucky she only went for the toothpaste as there were medicines, and an Icy/Hot tube right next to where the toothpaste had been. Any of that stuff could have been expensive at the least, and fatal at the worst.

I cleaned up the mess, washed the carpets, and ignored everyone. No one was given any affection at all for the entire morning. The crime was reported with the defense lawyer (my husband, 'His Boy') who apologized for his clients behavior, and stated concern for their safety. The events were logged, and the only punishment available was delivered.

I'm just warn out from trying to stay one step ahead, because it never seems to be effective. Apparently two terrier mixes actually ARE smarter then 1 human. That is just depressing.

Anyone out there know a good, affordable parole officer... I mean, obedience trainer?

Stolen Goods/ Ingestion of Illegal Substances

Let me take you back to the moment of the first offense:

A couple of weeks ago, as I dozed in the bedroom, and the dogs roamed free in the living room (there's a 20 min overlap of time before I come out where they are allowed free reign of the main area of the house every morning) I suddenly heard a strange noise.

A crackling/popping sound.

It wasn't something I could explain away, so I bolted out of bed and threw open the door.

What to my wondering eyes did appear? But a couple of dogs and a doritos bag just near.

Apparently, SOMEONE (ahem PIPER ahem) had broken into the pantry and liberated a single serving size doritos bag, and they had both taken turns trying to give the individual chips freedom from their cruel enclosure. Oddly, the bag held, and no one got any chips that day. The canines did get a stern talking to, issued a warning, and the pantry doors were shut very firmly.

I had thought lessons were learned all the way around.

When will reality sink in, and I realize lessons are NEVER learned in my house?

Second offense, 4 days ago:

Again, as I dozed for my few minutes of slowly waking up time that I dearly value every day, some hijinks were going on just on the other side of the door. I came out, and there were no dogs waiting for me, as there usually are, which was odd. Then, when they came running over, I noticed something odd on the floor in the corner by the living room. A wrapper?

"What the hell is that?" I pose to the criminals- the small one takes off, the big one hits the floor- a sure indicator something really wrong is going on. I take a few steps forward, get a better look at the main area, and suddenly cartoon style steam is coming out of my ears.

"WHAT THE F--K is this!!!!????"

The living room floor is littered with wrappers of many food items stolen from the (when I glance over and see the kitchen) WIDE OPEN pantry doors. I scream, I throw dogs in crates, I notice.....

it

is

all

CHOCOLATE

All of it, everything that they stole, had some form of chocolate in it. It was quite a few protein bar type things- all had chocolate in it- and a bag of Hershey's kisses. All had been fairly demolished. All wrappers had been shredded, and most likely ingested, as well. it had to have taken several trips from kitchen to living room to get it all there. Premeditation.

Now, in case anyone doesn't know- chocolate contains a chemical ingredient which is toxic to dogs. If your dog gets a hold of a singular chocolate chip- eh, not a big deal, might get sick, might not. Your dog eats an entire chocolate cake on it's own- could be fatal. Our ingestion level was certainly on the smaller end of things, but considering I couldn't tell precise amounts and who had eaten what, I called the vet immediately.

Well, ok, I waited a little while to clean up and call the husband who has had more dogs then me, and look up info online, but basically within 25 minutes I was on with the lovely lady at the vets office. We set up a date to bring the monsters in the moment they opened their doors.

While this was going on, I had Piper doing a small child style sugar high freak out which included tail chasing, charging me and trying to jump in my lap, running around, and barking at herself. Odie on the other hand was just lounging on the couch as if nothing had happened. I was unclear as to which was more disturbing.

I got them to the vet, and we decided they would stay there for the day and get to endure induced vomiting, charcoal feeds, and some long hours of making a mess. According to the Dr- evidence proved they were both guilty parties, and had earned this 'punishment' for their crimes. A full work day, and several hundred dollars later, everyone had a clean system and a nice medication hangover. They were sentenced to time served after that.

I'm not really sure if what some people have said upon hearing this story is true- that the dogs will know now not to do something like that. I honestly these are career criminals- they might slow down for a while, but given the right chance at the right time, they'd do it again in a heartbeat. Vomiting be damned, they sure seemed to be having fun.