Sexual Harassment

Some of the things dogs do may make us a little ick-ed out, but it is just part of their process of social interaction, or hygene or whatever. That's just the reality of the interspecies connection. They don't ever fully understand us, we will never fully understand them. That's ok. I don't really want to think like a dog, and I'm fairly certain I don't want them to tell me about their thoughts.

One of the things dogs do that we find...... questionable.... is humping. Odie, the new dog in my house who refuses to leave, you remember him? Yeah, he LOVES humping. He does it all the time.

This is something that happens at the dog park just about every weekend. Sometimes the other dog involved thinks it's a fun little game and just goes with it. Sometimes the other dog involved is smart enough to avoid it in the first place. Sometimes it generates a fun little game of chase that can go on long enough to diminish the desire. Almost always it is unsolicited and Odie is the only one who thinks it's fantastic.

He humps EVERYONE. They don't want it, they don't ask for it, and he does it anyway. He's like the stereotypical drunk frat boy who thinks everyone wants his smokin hot bod, when really they are all avoiding his stinky self. He keeps making the move, figuring someone will be into it eventually.

No.

NO one is into it.

You are drunk.

Stop it already.

I mean, I realize that in the dog world it means something else altogether, but it's still totally humiliating. No one wants their dog to be the one who imposes himself on everyone else. His terrier nature does not help this situation. He tends to fixate on other dogs he wants to play with. If they avoid the humping, he will just keep trying. There has even been times when he gets going into the hump, the dog he's aiming for has moved, and he ends up humping the air of the space they had previously occupied. That's not even doing it right.

Sigh.

This is not a situation limited exclusively to the animal kingdom. Nope, he has at least attempted to hump everyone who has entered the house and stayed for more then 5 minutes. Well, except for me, I think i'm the only one who has avoided it. If that indicates a slight fear of me- I am SO fine with that. Thrilled even. Everyone else has to be very understanding of dog quirkiness or they will be very surprised when at some point he's being sweet and I end up screaming and squirting water at him, and most likely them. There is a lot of water squirting in our lives now.

This is not a characteristic that is getting me to feel "yay! great dog! let's keep him!" It just keeps me solidly in the "why is the crazy person in my house?" camp. I mean, really, who wants to have the dog that would be in some sort of 12 step program if he were a human?

Assault

So, this little dog who has found his way into our lives has this funny little habit of jumping right at/onto you with little to no regard for the fact that a supersonic 13 lbs can hit you in the gut with the same impact of a hard thrown bowling ball.

it's kind of hilarious, and kind of awful all at the same time.

I mentioned he is part Jack Russell terrier, right? Well, if you don't know anything about that breed they are tiny little muscle machines. They are ratters, so they are built to low crawl underground at high speeds to catch what they are going after. This means they have legs that are compact, but highly muscled. This makes them good jumpers. Too good a lot of the time.

So, considering our pretty tiny living room, when Odie feels the need to join you on the couch (a trick he came with and we have absolutely no hope of breaking) and wants to do it quickly, he just jumps straight for you. We also have couches on opposing walls, so he will be on one, hit the ground and jump for yours in one fluid motion that can be hard to track with the human eye. This almost always results in a small, but highly charged, dog landing directly in the softest part of the human body- the stomach.

Sometimes you see it coming and can prepare by either tensing the muscles, and creating some sort of impact control, or by doing a weird kind of catch thing with your hands that slows him down just enough. It sorta looks like you're 8 and in your first game of dodgeball it terms of hand position and facial expression, but sometimes it works.

Occasionally, his aim is off and he lands what we call a "junk punch". This is where his teeny tiny little paws land in what I'll chose to call the 'bathing suit area', and is immediately followed by a loud grunt from the chosen human landing pad. There have been countless times in our house over the past few weeks where this noise will be heard from another part of the house by someone safe from the landing and proclaimed "Junk punch!" with alarming accuracy.

Now, this trait can be charming at times. These leaps of faith happen just about every morning with me. I come out from bed and turn on the news, ready to watch for a little while to let my brain get going for the day. Still in pajamas, and always headed straight for the couch and a blanket, it is my morning routine. Odie has wormed his way into this routine by waiting for me to get the blanket pulled up and ready for snuggling, then he dives in under the blanket, and on my lap. This happens in the amount of time it takes to pull a blanket over yourself. It's literally a blur most of the time, but he settles in nicely and there we stay until I get up for breakfast.

This routine has become so familiar to the little jumping bean that even at different points of the day, if I hold up the blanket, he will do his famous 2 couch leap to get under it. Now if I could only get him to do it without making me feel like I've been punched every time, we'd be making progress.

Home Invasion

I'm starting this, uncertain if anyone will ever see it, because I've been told that the stories I've been telling recently are entertaining, and interesting. So I figured if I could pull them together, maybe other people would enjoy them too. But let's see if it actually comes together first.

Basically, the break down is this:

We had a dog I loved dearly for almost 9 years when he passed away last fall. He was fabulous in so many ways, but as he aged, and time took it's toll, being his caretaker became a pretty intense activity. His walking became somewhat labored, so we built ramps for him to be able to get into the yard by himself. His bladder control became much weaker, so we resigned ourselves to multiple accident cleanings per day. His appetite became minimal, so we bought him expensive food, or gave him ours, or made him things specially to keep weight on him. He was up to 4-5 pills per day, and walks that were a fraction of what they used to be.

Taking care of our beloved pooch was almost a full time job. One we took on lovingly, if not always joyfully. Cleaning pee for the 4th time in a day is no one's idea of fun, no matter how much you love the pee-er.

Then one day, our new job was grief, and that too became a full time job for a while. Death is a rough and strange thing. Even when you know it's closer then you'd like, and creeping ever faster, it's still a shock to the system and affects every damn thing you do. Your world lurches, and now you're a new person. I was reeling, and aching for my pal.

A few weeks later, I wanted to spend some time with other dogs, just get my head around the joy of the creatures for a while. Remember how great they can be, and how full of fun. I suggest we go to a very large organized adoption fair one day- get some puppy love time in, and maybe make contact with some rescue organizations that might come in handy in the coming months when we were ready for a new pup again.

Long, involved, emotional story short- we had a dog in the car when we left that day.

What?!!

it's only been a few weeks, and suddenly there's another one?

yes.

But- the reasoning was, this dog was in the highest kill rate shelter in all of LA, and he was past his out date. We were saving him, and were going to attempt to place him. He would become our second successful foster dog. It would be a few weeks at most. We would be heroes.

So.

yeah.

That's not what happened.

Not

At

All

It's been 3+ months and this "foster" is still in my house.

My husband has now bonded with him and wants to keep him forever.

My plans have been shot to hell.

He comes when called with his new name.

He prefers us over other people.

No one responded to the online listings or email pleas for a new home.

I am screwed.

His name is Odie. He is 3 yrs old, and a chihuahua/ Jack russell mix. He can jump over our gate and get loose. He feels the need to mark every new place as his own. He has a bark that could literally burst an eardrum if you let it go on too long. He loves to sleep in my lap under a blanket while I watch the news every morning. He acts as though I have invented dog treats every time I come home from work. He enjoys the dog park, and could spend all day there, socializing with other dogs mostly problem free. He doesn't beg for food while we eat, ever. He likes having his cheeks rubbed when he's sleepy. He poops in the same area of the yard every time, making clean up a ton easier.

He is a mostly wonderful dog who needs a bit more training to be really great, and he has entrenched himself in our house and our lives despite all my intentions to get him out. I still have his listings online, but there has been little to no activity on them, and the reality is sinking in- he most likely will never leave.

I am in an absolute emotional upheaval about this. He's sweet enough, but I was so far from being healed enough to bring another dog into my life. He's not what I wanted when I was ready- at all- so far from it actually that he might as well be a llama. or worse, a Cat.

Now, I have the joy of learning to adapt to this situation with him, and my issues, because I have no other choice in the matter. No good deed goes unpunished, indeed.